Ways to Piss of Charlie Swan!
by Foxy-Fire6677
Summary: I like to mess with charlie the most! Lets just say just they call cops pigs for a reason and his cruser is pink! Oh and he's called a girl and is tunged by Emmett.ewwww! he get dreagged away by the men in white.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own twilight! OK I SAID IT!

Ways to Piss of Charlie Swan!

Trick him into walking in on Bella and Edward.

Scream "OMG! Bella your pregnant!"

Scream it an hour later in the kitchen after #1.

But make sure Charlie is in the living room first.

Eat the last doughnut

Do #5 right in front of him… in slow motion staring at him.

Then when he glares at you say"OH! Where you going to eat that!"

Fake Bella's hand saying she spending the night with Alice (clear this with her first, Bella will really be with her)

Then tell him Bella and Edward eloped because she is pregnant.

Have Alice make Bell wear rings on her left ring finger

Then sit back and watch!

While Bella not home and he is play porn really loud in her room with door locked.

Hide his guns and replace with water guns

Please review! Tell me if I'm funny...Will take slaps in the face!


	2. Charlie II

I'm back! Thanks to the fans I have some ideas that will make you laugh your socks off!

**Thanks to: ****Starthevampire; ****Daddy's Little Cannibal!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

Piss off Charlie time!

1 Paint his curser pink…..

2 Put a pig's snout on the grill and a curly tail in the bumper with pig ears on the roof….

3 have Rose rig the horn to make pig sounds and the siren a pig squeal.

4 and blame Mike Newton.

5 Storm into the Swan residents holding a baby and shouted "Bella! I can't babysit your kid anymore! You need to come take it!"

6 Then turn to him while he is standing in the living room doorway and  
be like "Oops! Never mind" and walk out the door.

7 while he is watching a game you have a second remote and keep changing the channel to something else. ha-ha.

8 switch it to porn over and over! Mahahahah!

9 switch it to telatubys.

10 sneak into his office and caver everything in police tape.

11 frame one of his officers.

12 get Bella high. (Daddy's Little Cannibal)

13 eat the last slice of pizza in slow-mo and moan "god yes!"

14 key his curser and blame Bella!

15 play the theme song to Cops when he walks in a room.

16 pay rappers to follow him all over town rapping the theme song to Cops

17 hug him while screaming "**I LOVE YOU CHARLIE!**"

18 then kiss him roundly.

19 take the television remote...

20 lick the remote to the T.V. and hand it back to him and say. "Taste just like bacon!"

21 throw a party in his house

22 with beer and strippers male/female

23 pay a male stripper to dance for Charlie while he is tied to a chair..

24 video tape it….

25 then post it on MySpace, YouTube, and facebook.

26 send it to Jacob, Billy, Renée and Bella.

"**OH MY GOD!"** Bella screamed from her room. Edward thought she was hurt so ran up stair to her room. But she wasn't there. He heard sounds coming from the bathroom and found Bella puking in the toilet.

When she was done he asked her what was wrong and she showed him the video of a male stripper dancing on Charlie while he is gagged and bound to a chair. Edward screamed like a girl and smashed Bella's computer.

"Hey!!" 'Sorry love, I buy you a new one. That was horrible! Where did you find that?" "Email"

"Who sent it? " Bella shrugged and told him she had no idea who sent her the Email.

The phone rang and Edward and answered it.

"Hello, Swan house." he asked.

"Who is this?" a female voice asked. "Edward Cullen, who is speaking?"

"Renée Charlie's ex-wife and Bella's mother….who are you exactly? "

"Here's Bella!" he gave Bella the phone in panic. Mouthing 'your mother' to her.

"Hi mom…he's my boyfriend….sorry….I did… I puked...he smashed my computer it freaked him out so much….bye." she hung up and the phone rang again and it was Jacob and Billy, they got the video to.

**Thanks people! Send more ideas! **

**Next is Carlisle! Dun dun dun**

**Thanks again for your ideas! Send more!**


	3. Charlie III

**Ways to Piss Off Charlie Swan!**

1. Egg his house with rotten eggs, fruit, and balloons filled with spoiled, molding milk. **(Does milk mold?)**

2. Cover him with all kinds of cheese and Ritz crackers while he's asleep at his desk. (I mean all kinds of cheese! Cheese slices, and the kind with bacon …mmm… I love that on a burger. The squeeze cheese and shredded, even stinky cheese!)

3. Place a sign that states **'The Big Cheese!' **after you're done with the cheese!

4. Blame it on Edward. **(By the way this is an Emmett prank!)**

5. Kidnap Bella with Jacob and burry the body in shallow grave. Jacob will not remember because he is hypnotized. Frame Jacob!

6. Pull a James and send a video tape of the bloody murder to Charlie.

7. When Edward finds her body and breaks down in front of Charlie. Charlie stops being a prick to him.

8. At Bella's wake everyone is boo hoo and all snotty. Then out of nowhere you run in crying "Noooo! I loved her sex so much!!!!" Since most of you are female that makes you gay!

9. When everyone gapes at you look at Bella and say "Oh wrong Wake sorry!!!" then run out.

10. When they are about to but her in the ground pour a potion, that cures to the one you gave her after you beat her half to death, into her mouth.

11. When she is half awake take her to Edward and yell "YOU'RE WELCOME DOUCHE BAG!!!" then run away sing like a virgin in a squeaky voice. (I know I'm evil!)

12. Slap a wig on and proclaim you are the new Bella!

13. Ask Charlie about the woman body and then when he got his first period and his boobs.

14. Eat all the cheese puffs and drank all the beer.

15. Bet Emmett he can't give Charlie a bear hug and a big; wet tongue kiss for five minutes.

16. There is no sixteen!

**Tell me what you think! Oh and I would like ideas for the other characters too! So send them in!**


	4. Chapter 6?

**Hi people this is an Authors Note! **

**Don't you dare click that 'X' button! This is important! Now take your hand of the damn mouse or mouse pad...GOOD!**

**MONKEY SEX! NOW THAT I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION LOKK BELOW!**

**Now read the following announcements!**

**#1 Charlie's Twilight Angels will continue soon.**

**#2 Gypsy Princess is in the process of being edited and will be updated soon.**

**#3 Ways to Piss Off Charlie Swan will be complete soon and the next chapters will be longer than it did at first. If no one reviews I will delete it.**

**#4 has any one read this story? If so tell me the name of both the Author and the story:**

**If anyone knows it please send it to me or put it on the review! Thanks! Description below!**

**Ok Bella moves to California from London to attend college and to get away from bad memories (Charlie is shanked or stabbed by someone outside their loath or house. Then she has bad sex to get over it.) Alice is her roommate and Edward is the player that tries to get into her pants. Bella refuses, till Alice put hot sauce on his tooth brush as a prank and after he gets cola they finally have sex! (The first lemon I ever read! It was awesome now I'm hooked!) Of course the whole freaking campus heard them and the gang talks about the types like creamers dead quiet and moaners. Then Edward talks her to dinner and pulls the 'you wanna go steady sugar' line. Ok this is out of order but bear with me. Bella is a gymnast and teaches Alice. Edward and jasper come in and Alice is like 'Bella can you put your leg behind your head' and she does and Edward and jasper get hard. Before my computer went blah! I WAS AT THE PART WHERE BELLAS GAY friend comes in and Edward get jealous. I hit caps by mistake and too lazy to retype it!**

***Please if you know this story please tell me the name!***

**If you close this window now Edward and Jacob will turn gay or worse Robert Pattinsin will turn gay with Taylor.**

**Now click here and comment!**


	5. The Reviews I Loved

**Hi I'm back and I'm not going to delete this story. Here are my favorite reviews!**

Starthevampire  
2009-06-26 . chapter 7

Well you certainly do know how to get people's attention. haha. That was good. I can not wait for your updates. I love those stories. That would be terrible if any of them turned gay. I think that I would cry. I wish that I could help you with the name of that story but I have never read it. Sorry. Can not wait until the next time that you update. 8D

Starthevampire  
2009-06-26 . chapter 6

Well the person who bit you was obviously a guy since you used the word he so that eliminates Esme, Bella, Alice, and Rose. I think I want to say that it was your dream man. I would tell you my dream man but I have way more than one and that would take awhile to write down. Oh, the first one I came up with was named Will and he was a tough guy. He has brown hair and chocolate brown eyes. He has a really good sense of direction. We didn't get along at first, in fact we were always at odds with each other, but now I see just how sweet he is. He is always trying to protect me from the people that are trying to kill us. Sigh. Amazing. haha. I think I will just share that one for now. 8D

**She's right by the way. It is my dream man!**

Starthevampire  
2009-06-26 . chapter 5

Oh no don't die! I love how you put the whole angels thing in there. That was good. He would have some work cut out for him if the only stop light broke. What would he do if you canceled the sports cahnnel? That's all that he seems to be doing when he is home. You mean he would have to find something else to do?! haha. Would he have to arrest himself if he found the drugs on himself? That would be kind of funny to see. hahahahaha. I loved the whole pig thing. He would be so mad if you tied him to a rocket dressed like a pig. Bringing up him being a girl again would be funny especially if you put in the things about him and Emmett kissing. I loved the whole little story thing again afterwards. That was cool. On to the next list! 8D Sorry that I didn't review sooner. I haven't been home for days.

Starthevampire  
2009-06-20 . chapter 4

That was some funny stuff right there! Now you made me curious as so whether milk molds or not. I do not think that it does though. Also, I didn't know that there was a cheese with bacon. And you made me really hungry for cheese! I loved the whole murder thing with Bella. That was funny. And a bit odd but I loved it anyway. I also love the part abput running into the wake screamming that you loved her sex. hahaha. I can just see that happening. This list was so funny. I have laughed so much today I probably lost like two pounds. Thanks! 8D

Starthevampire  
2009-02-09 . chapter 2

haha. That really was hilarious. You made his cruiser into a pig. And then blamed Mike Newton. lol. I loved seeing some of my ideas on here too. Yay! haha. It would annoy so many people if you kept switching the channel one them. Especially to things like that. haha. Get Bella high. I feel like that would interesting to see. Now you made me want pizza. Everyone keeps mentioning pizza today. It's making me hungry. haha. Key his cruiser. He would like kill someone. I would so be annoyed if someone played a theme song for me whenever I walked into a room. It would be so funny to see it done to someone else though. haha. If I saw a police cop being followed around by rappers rapping the Cops theme song then I would end up on the ground because I was laughing so hard. haha. My friend Noelle hates it when people hug. Especially when people hug her. My friends and me all ganged up on her one time and gave her a hug and she flipped out at us. It was so funny. haha. A remote tasting just like Bacon. haha. The party one is hialrious. Not gonna lie, I would probably smash the computer too. I can't wait to go read the next one. I can just imagine. 8D

kolben24  
2009-01-29 . chapter 2

oh my god i almost pissed myself at the donut part...im picturing some random kid not blinking and staring at charlie sensually while cramming an entire donut in his mouth...i think i love you

Starthevampire  
2009-01-25 . chapter 1

That was pretty funny. haha. I would love to see his reaction to thinking Bella is pregnant. haha. I like doughnuts. I actually had three for breakfast. Yum. I would also love to see his reaction to Edward and Bella eloping. That would be hilarious. Although he might like explode. haha. I would also love to see his reaction if he thought that Bella and Edward were doing something. lol. haha. Water guns. I think it would piss him off if you came in holding a baby and shouted "Bella! I can't babysit your kid anymore! You need to come take it!" Then turn to him while he is standing in the living room doorway and be like "Oops! Nevermind" and walk out the door. Or if you told Charlie that Jacob hurt Bella. That isn't funny though. Hmm...If while he was watching a game you had a second remote and kept changing the channel to something else. haha. If you replaced his fishing rods with fake rods or replaced his fish with fake rubber fish. haha. Yeah. I don't know. If I get more ideas then I will PM you. Hope these helped some. 8D

**I love you all!**


	6. Chapter 8: Announcements!

**A/N:**

**Hi everyone! Yes, this is an author's note not an update. I have a few announcements.**

**1. It's my sister's birthday! She is 14! **_**'Happy birthday to her, happy birthday to her!'**_

**2. I am emotionally and physically tired so no updates for maybe a week. Sorry, everyone needs rest.**

**3. If you have ANY ideas for****Things The Cullens and Swans Are Not Allowed To Do**** let me know.**

**4. Will the authors egging Volturi Castle stop, if you don't they will eat you!**

**(End of announcements)**

**{Click me to get naked pictures of our favorite wolf boy!}**


	7. Chapter 9:My New Way With AN's!

A/N:

The bell rang like a screeching bird laying a huge egg on a hot day and the students of Forks High cringed as they sat in their assigned seat. Soon the schools morning announcements came on the TV. **(Like a news crew)**

A curly haired blonde wearing a news woman's suit appeared behind a desk holding papers with the morning announcements on them so she would remember.

"Hello I'm Fire-Fox6677! I'm very disappointed with my readers. I only received three reviews. I was hoping for more of a turn out for the newest chapter in Tainted Love 'Mother Nature at Work'." Her faces looked sad and dejected. "Is it because Edward is still in a coma ore because I had Billy Mays killed in my story?" then she looked horrified and pleading. "I love it when my readers review and leave commentary like my favorite reader and best web buddy Starthevampire. She writes really, really, really long reviews and they always have her thoughts and feelings on the chapter and some completely random stuff that makes me smile!" she smiled thinking of all the awesome reviews and personal messages that made her die laughing; but the her face became serious. "Be more like her or at least review when you add the story to alert or favorites list." Moving on to different announcement a picture of Alice and Edward popped up to the side of her head.

"Now for the next announcement I want to make clear that Edward is Alice's brother-in-law and NOT her brother. She is married to Jasper Cullen." The picture of Edward and Alice had change to one of Jasper.

"Next we have a new development in Charlie's Twilight Angels. A poll has been placed on the profile. The poll is for Bella's saloon outfit for her mission to bust a whore house that kidnapers under aged girls and well you know. The girls under cover to stop them and needs an outfit. Go and look up the addresses on the poll and vote. If you wish to see Alice and Rosalie's outfits they are on the profile under mission out fits. Don't worry this is their last mission before school." The picture was now a mutated looking meatloaf.

"Today's lunch will be macaroni surprise and something that was scraped out of the boy's locker room and deep fried. I feel sorry for you poor saps that have no choice but to eat it! Mahwahaha!" she is handed a note and laughs a little. A picture of a bat up nerd pops up.

"Will the bully of Eric Yorkie please report to the flag poles; you left his lights on. Also will Mike Newton place come to the office we found you hello kitty wallet yesterday." The school shook with laughter.

"All club members of the Cullen Stalkers Club have meeting after school at 4:00; Book Club at 3:30 and Science Club at 3:00. And that ends our announcements. Have a good day; Fire-Fox6677 out!!!!!" With that the TV shout off and the students moved to 1st period.

**How do you like my new A/N's!? I will do them like this from now on!**


	8. AN: Twilight News

**A/N: Yes this is an Authors Note… Just read it.**

**Twilight News**

The readers of were sitting in their living rooms watching twilight or some show that they will turn into a crossover. The TV's shut off and when the readers turned them back on a bedspring blond wearing fox ears and the outfit to match appeared on screen. A few tried to change the channel only to see the same thing.

"Hi I'm Fire-Fox66677 AKA: Foxy! We will return to you regularly scheduled program shortly. Till then SUCK IT UP!" She yelled. "Now on to my latest news." She shuffles through some papers and looked up smiling.

"The latest Story updates are Charlie's Twilight Angels, Catwoman: Twilight City and Things The Cullens and Swans Are Not Allowed To Do. They have been updated for a week or two except Things The Cullens and Swans Are Not Allowed To Do, I updated that one this week." She shuffles again.

"For my newest stories Pay Back's a Bitch will be updated soon. I have a great idea for the paint balls!" She jumps up and down and claps her hands while her Fox ears wiggle. She calms down after Star throws a wet fish at her. "Ew! Wet fish!"

"Anyway, moving on to 'What Really Happened'. The new one shots story for Things The Cullens and Swans Are Not Allowed To Do. It takes rules from the list of what the characters are not allow to do and tells the story of why that rule was made. The author Starthevampire is my co-writer in both the list and the one-shots. We write what happened for the rule we each came up with. Please read and review then and if you want to know why a rule was made let me know and it will be done." she smiles and looks at another camera. "Currently the rules that have been explained are Bella Swan number nine and never take Emmett to Chuck E. Cheese. Quite funny if you ask me."

"Now moving on, let check in with Starthevampire, AKA: Star, the one how trough the fish, with our weekly watch of the Cullen family, Star!" The camera moved to a girl wearing a bright orange shirt with swirly black designs all over it and a black fuzzy sweatshirt with dark amethyst jeans and bright orange converses. On her heads she wore orange and black kitty ears; behind her stood a wall full of Cullen pictures.

"Thanks Foxy!" She smiles and waves and looks to the camera. "It would appear that the Cullens have the Forks Police Department completely stumped as to how a dozen perfectly healthy trees were knocked down. It seems that the Cullens were hunting when Emmett made one of his usual comments to Bella. She decided that she wanted to test out her new born strength again so tackled Emmett into a tree hard enough to cause it to fall down. Apparently Rose was thinking some not too nice things about Bella causing Edward to launch himself at her. Alice and Jasper decided, what the hell, and started fighting as well. In the end they brought down about a dozen trees. The Police are still trying to find some way to explain how this happened." Star did a cute kitty thing then said, "Back to you Foxy!"

"Thanks star for that wonderful report. Last time we looked back at Tainted Love poor Edward was in a coma. He will stay that way for a while. Please read and review my stories and check out star's stories as well. They are really cute and sweet!" She stares of into mushy land and is snapped out of it by a ball off orange yarn smacking her in the face. She glares at Star, who is whistling looking the other way. Foxy shakes her head and returns to the camera. "I'm Fire-Fox6677 and bye-bye for now."

The TV's went dark and returned to the former program and the reads shrugged and went on line to read and review the stories.

**A/N: PLEASE I'M DRYING UP HERE FROM LACK OF REVIEWS!**


	9. AN: YouTube and Nessie Cullen

**A/N: YouTube and Nessie Cullen**

**Hi everyone! I have a few announcements to day and a few pleads for you.**

**1. I started making videos on YouTube s go and watch them. Also comment them so I have inspiration future videos. http://www(d)youtube(d)com/user/lovebug2312**

**2. I need ideas Nessie Cullen along with the other stories as well.**

**Here are some examples of Nessie:**

**-Chew on the wooden furniture like a beaver.**

**-Ask Jacob what doggie style is and why Uncle Emmy would want to do it with Auntie Rosie.**

**-Make sure **_**everyone**_** is with-in hearing distance.**

**-Purposely leave a**_** VERY**_** smelly and **_**VERY**_** big present in dipper for everyone, and then proceed to giggle.**

**-Ask Auntie Rosie if she knows what a blow-job is and ask ****her to give a demonstration.**

**-Ask the age old question, 'Where do babies come from?'**

**-Have a midget wrestling match and enter Alice.**

**-Try to train the pack to sit and beg.**

**Please personal message the ideas to me.**


End file.
